Wheelock Chapter 29: Result Clauses

Without a question, the most amazing way to learn about result clauses is to think of them in terms of "your mom" jokes. For real. The grammar terminology gets old fast, and it's so unnecessary, when instead of thinking in terms of superlatives and adjectives of degree, to think about it like:

Tua mater est ita ingens ut ea neccet files.


For the majority of my day, I made these jokes. It never gets old. For instance, as I bought my lunch today at a cafe, I informed a classmate that her mother was so fat that monsters were scared of her. In literature class, I wrote that my essay was so terrible that the teacher was angry. I didn't have Latin class, but I more than made up for it by spending the majority of my second period, after failing to locate a friend, writing your mom jokes in my notebook.

Currently...

I am being flummoxed.

Isn't that a great word? Also, that sentence is in the passive. Cheerio, old bean.

Omegle, Omegli, asl

Recently, Skye and I have discovered the wonderful mayhem of www.omegle.com, a website on which you are connected to a random stranger in a chat-room format. It is overrun with pedophiles and undersexed teenage boys, the rare exception being an arbitrary perverted yet kind Dutchman.

A typical omegle conversation:
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: wanna do it?
You: yes
Stranger: ok
You: ..
Stranger: do u know what it is?
You: im not stupid
You: lol
Stranger: lol sry
You: so how's this gonna work
Stranger: r u m or f?
You: f
Stranger: im m
Stranger: okay
Stranger: so i stick my cock in you and we bounce up and down. then i make out with u, and we have a baby. and then we do it again.
You: oh, sounds good
You: but shouldn't the making out come first?
You: just to be romantic about it and all.
Stranger: oh right
Stranger: yeah it should come first
Stranger: it should
Stranger: so it will
You: okay: REVISED ITINERARY
You: you kiss me tenderly and romantically
You: causing me to fall into your arms
You: then, we fuck
You: then i pee on a stick and cry a lot.
You: repeat.
Stranger: yes thats right
You: well, i'm gonna go now.
You: but glad we discussed this.
Stranger: ok im glad to
You: *too
You have disconnected.
or save this log or send us feedback.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Are u horny female who wants webcam fun?
You: duh
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
or save this log or send us feedback.

Devoted to Lilla

"Leave me Party in the USA now or I will time travel using my homologous pairs to syntax your ass down to another VORTEX. (That's right. I just referenced biology, Latin Grammar, an inside joke, and Harry Potter."

- Sophie Lilla

Because she is worth it.

They like brains.

I realized today that my school has no zombie escape plan in place. Needless to say, this is a problem. Why? Because I'm afraid that someday, the school will be infiltrated through its most sensitive spot; the Latin department.

Let's hypothesize that, like a bacterial form adapting to modern medicine, zombies have the capability to evolve in order to meet the demands of current society. To do so, they would have to have slightly more cerbrebral activity than their mindless, one track minded predecessors. Oh, and that one track? Its tantamount to a one way ticket to a lovely little town called Nom-on-your-brains-ville.

This charming town is populated by the flesh eating undead; people who at one time were thriving and alive, are now medically dead and yet are somehow still functioning at a base and yet entirely powerful level.

Review time; what language is considered dead? Oh right. Latin. What language is still used and considered both powerful and important? Latin.

From this, we can discern that Latin and Zombies are in the same category. Technically dead, but still influencing society.

What, therefore, could be more reasonable than a Zombie Latin teacher? (Who is either plotting our gruesome deaths with the rest of his or her intelligent and secretive Zombie society, or preparing us for our potential lifelong jobs as mindless Zombie slaves. One or the other.)

Cheers!

It's been way too long since the last post.

Unfortunately, Skye has been busy with work, as have I.

I just found this journal entry from when I was young and had just read Harry Potter.

The only true witches are me and Dana. The others dicided they wanted to be wiches and the started saying that they wher wiches and they arnt. The only true wiches are me and Dana! They are takeing over Magic and me adn Dana need to stop them but if Dana is on their side, I'll do it my self! They cant be face [fake?] wiches. because fake wiches means magic would not be real. and they do not know that. I just don't know how to tell them!

I could put spells on them, or call them in their mind but that would not do. If I put a spell on them then they would know how to undo it, now that Dana is telling them spells. Eny way they are nice. If I talked to them in their minds, they would not be my friend and they would be mad. Those ideas will not work. I wonder what the hedmaster of hogwards, Dumbledoor would tell us to do.

With Unlimited Commercial Interruption-a Q & A of sorts (note the timestamps)

2:24:40 AM Rory: the following program is brought to you by Rory and Skye at 2:24 AM.
2:24:41 AM Rory: Hi!
2:24:44 AM Skye: I get delerious. I told you the mushroom story right?
2:24:55 AM Rory: waitaminute
2:24:57 AM Rory: yes, yes you did
2:24:58 AM Rory: wait no
2:24:59 AM Rory: did you?
2:25:05 AM Rory: tell me, and posterity.
2:25:48 AM Rory: Skye, i'm going to start yodeling
2:25:51 AM Skye: the one where my mother asked me to put a thing of mushrooms in the fridge and I was psychotic with exhaustion
2:26:03 AM Rory: OH RIGHT
2:26:04 AM Rory: THAT ONE
2:26:07 AM Rory: yes, yes you did
2:26:08 AM Rory: that was funny
2:26:34 AM Skye: and I was too entertained to make it to the fridge so instead I fell down halfway crying with laughter.
2:26:48 AM Skye: moral of story;
2:27:14 AM Skye: ...i dunno. don't give tired people mushrooms?
2:28:43 AM Rory: of any kind
2:28:47 AM Rory: fo real son
2:28:53 AM Rory: it's not as bad as
2:29:11 AM Rory: when i was watching buffy and i decided to be british.
2:29:25 AM Rory: i made english muffins with butter and jam and a cup of peppermint tea
2:29:31 AM Rory: and read a book in bed
2:29:36 AM Rory: the issue was it was three in the morning
2:29:39 AM Rory: and
2:29:47 AM Rory: i can't exactly cook
2:30:41 AM Skye: british is good though. British people get more sexy time.
2:30:58 AM Skye: moresexytime+you=happyrory!
2:31:11 AM Skye: and no mushrooms.
2:31:42 AM Rory: british people eat lots of mushrooms, though.
2:31:49 AM Skye: my iPod has pre-recognition for voldemort but not for elephant.
2:31:58 AM Rory: explain por favor?
2:32:05 AM Skye: I accept this as a completely reasonable exchange.
2:32:27 AM Skye: like when I type "volde" it suggests "voldemort"
2:32:49 AM Skye: but when I type "eleph" it doesn't suggest "elephant"
2:32:52 AM Rory: hahahahhaa
2:32:55 AM Skye: see?
2:33:04 AM Rory: your iPod knows you very well, is my response to that
2:33:13 AM Rory: my ipod just gave up on suggesting things for me to say
2:33:24 AM Skye: it wud be odd not to have a nose.
2:33:27 AM Rory: it is mute and thus not dumbfounded
2:33:28 AM Rory: and
2:33:34 AM Rory: did you read that story, by gogol??
2:33:36 AM Rory: called the nose?
2:33:43 AM Rory: where this dude's nose just FALLS OFF
2:33:45 AM Rory: becus
2:33:49 AM Rory: it gets shaved off by the barbar
2:33:54 AM Rory: and then they chase it around russa
2:33:57 AM Rory: *russia
2:33:58 AM Skye: hahaha anose was auto corrected to amos. Amish iPod!
2:34:05 AM Rory: AMOS AND BORIS!
2:34:06 AM Skye: russias an odd place.
2:34:07 AM Rory: like the fish!
2:34:07 AM Rory: i mean
2:34:08 AM Rory: whales
2:34:14 AM Rory: i can see it from my house, though. russia
2:34:53 AM Skye: I have problems locating and naming where I feel pain. like...if I stub my toe I will be like "ow! my face!"
2:35:35 AM Skye: don't be silly we can't see Russia. we see England; only people in ALASKA see russia.
2:37:10 AM Rory: i once said
2:37:20 AM Rory: OW! I HURT!
2:37:25 AM Rory: after falling off a bike
2:38:24 AM Rory: have you ever seen
2:38:28 AM Rory: the northern lights?
2:38:28 AM Skye: bikes are fun. and now, I am sleepy.
2:38:31 AM Rory: ME TOO
2:38:34 AM Skye: no I haven't.
2:38:36 AM Rory: i jsut spelled pretect wrong!
2:38:42 AM Rory: *protect
2:38:46 AM Rory: i spelled it like, well, like pretect
2:38:54 AM Rory: shall we cut this short and go to sleep?
2:38:54 AM Skye: but balto has.
2:38:58 AM Rory: who is balto?
2:39:02 AM Skye: seen the lights I mean.
2:39:07 AM Skye: THE DOG!
2:39:09 AM Rory: WHAT DOG
2:39:13 AM Rory: OHMYGOSH
2:39:16 AM Skye: the famous obe
2:39:23 AM Rory: obe
2:39:25 AM Rory: ooooobeeeeee
2:39:27 AM Skye: the sick and the sled in alaska
2:39:27 AM Rory: OH BEE
2:39:32 AM Rory: IS THAT LIKE
2:39:35 AM Skye: hahah
2:39:35 AM Rory: um
2:39:36 AM Rory: i forgot
2:39:40 AM Skye: oh no
2:40:14 AM Skye: time has turned into silk like the kind spiders weave with lies and shit so that means bedtime.
2:40:37 AM Rory: i would really enjoy a bedtime story, but
2:40:40 AM Rory: i'll let you off the hook
2:40:47 AM Skye: goodnight and fair thee well pretect.
2:40:51 AM Skye: no story
2:41:01 AM Rory: i love you this much!
2:41:04 AM Skye: laurel is tre tired.
2:41:05 AM Rory: i just held out my arms emphaticaly
2:41:21 AM Skye: I too am holdin ny arms out with emphasis.
2:41:26 AM Skye: livers.
2:41:29 AM Skye: I mean
2:41:36 AM Skye: ibe
2:41:40 AM Skye: ove you.
2:41:46 AM Skye: love you!
2:41:49 AM Rory: love you too!
2:41:51 AM Rory: livers!
Changed status to Offline (2:41:58 AM)

Adtractior Magicum Nunquam Pictus

 That means something along the lines of "never needle a magical knitter", and it is my new project. I need to finish a sweater for a puella parva first, but after that I'm felting this marvelous bag, either to keep for myself, or to give to a friend, I'm not sure yet, it depends how it turns out.

It's Harry Potter themed, hence the typeface, and although I'm a bit frightened of embroidery, I will prevail!

For all of the magical Latin Harry Pothead knitters out there, http://rosemary.craftborg.com/, check it out.

A week without school=knitting extravaganza!

Bloody nipples and fiendfyre?

**THIS IS NOT FOR YOUNG/INNOCENT EYES**

Okay. So. January 23 is my birthday, and a very dear friend wrote me a wonderful song. Since it includes just a little bit of Latin, Harry Potter, and by nature of the beast itself, Indie Music, I have decided to post it here. M.B, this is for you. (all names changed)

"The iambic pentameter
of her[sic] (maybe he meant 'his'?) feet's pitter-patter
was attracting a smattering
of crack hoes midst their cracking
to see Bill amid his glory
aroused in their whorey hearts
a dark and evil part.

They threw nets about his feet
despite his violent beat
of cracking dem biddies' skulls
with his fucking nipples

Backwards their eyelids rippled
as he killed a few triple
Alas he was no match
for that ferocious batch

So it was up to Jenna
to kill them for evah
Avada Kedavra
shot from her wands tip
as deadly as a pair
of blood soaked nips.

They lept about her spell
as she shot hell fire
yet the situation turned dire
as the whore's whipped out their wands.

They began to cast fiendfyre
setting the place ablaze.
As the heat got higher
the hoes were sent into a daze
from Jenna's confundo
yet they were not done though
so she cast a quick confringo
to explode dem hoes.
And then one fast diffindo
to release her booboo.

They quickly escaped
as they evaded death
and once they were safe
the mood did befall them
I'll keep it PG
I'm sorry.

So she cast erecto
and then duro (which means to be hard if you remember the Latin root, and I mean, come on that was definitely made for porno spinoffs...)
and she never cast descendo."
- M.B.

I love him a lot.

SHOUT OUT!

This is a haiku
to a girl called "h. n. b."
I love her a lot.

In other words, this person, you know who you are, totally saved my "gluteus maximus" tonight when I was having a heart attack over a Latin final which I still may fail. But certainly not for lack of trying from this one--her never-ending stream of support and encouragement (however distracted by AIM it may have been), allowed me to survive the long and arduous review sheet. I wish I had a small h. n. b. on my shoulder during the exam, not to give me the answers but rather to give me encouragement in the form of knuckle cracking, newspaper-wallet making, love. I'd simply need her to ask me to translate the sentence the way it "logically has to be translated", and I'd get an A, easy.

So go h. n. b., you know who you are. In my opinion, your initials should be in that locket rather than r. a. b. You're just that epic, you're a horcrux theif.

See you tomorrow. Avenue Adinahs for lunch?

Love,
Minelor

A much more relaxed method of studying.

Anyone who knows ME well knows that I am plagued with horrible bouts of paranormal activity every night in my room. This has been going on since I saw the movie paranormal activity and thus developed an awareness of its dangers.

What could be worse than a zombie, entering your room, in the small hours of the morning? Certainly not a final. A final is confined to a sheet of paper or four. Toilsome as they may be, finals can't sneak through your window at night. Even if they include the perfect passive system of verbs, they won't yank your foot from your bed and drag you out your door, through the house, out of the house, and into an unknown oblivion!!!

Thus, I have deduced a new method for studying, and it all revolves around the zen of finals not being demons from the beyond. They're just paper, right? Paper can't hurt you, unless it's stacked together in reams and dropped from tall buildings onto the unsuspecting passer-by. Which it won't be.

So whilest memorizing terms for history or tenses for Latin, or even element patterns for Chem, one must remember: at least there isn't paranormal activity in your room.

So everyone repeat after me: Riddikulus!

Harry Potter and the Inappropriate Use of Latin.

Anyone who knows me should know that I am an avid Harry Pothead. My devotion to this wonderful series, however, went on a brief hiatus during the summer of 2008. I was, to put it simply, bored of the books. I'd read them one dozen too many times, and could probably recite full scenes by heart. Still can actually, but that's besides the point.

Then, I took my first Latin class, and it all changed. It only took about three or four classes before I realized; "Holy goddamn! The spells are all logical and Latin based!" 'Crucio,' for starters, which is a rather horrific curse, derives directly from the Latin verb crucio, cruciare, cruciavi, cruciatum, which means "to torture." Harry Potter was forever reignited in my interest.

But then, I paused, if the format is that simple, then what on earth stopped the pre-adolescent and adolescent boys and girls attending Hogwarts from creating their own spells? What stopped the poor boy who always got laughed at in the Quidditch locker rooms from using a simple engorgio charm to...fix the problem? Granted, the engorgio charm derives from an English root, but the concept is the same. What was stopping 12 year old boys from sneaking up behind a pretty and well endowed 7th year girl, swishing their...wands, and shouting "AUFERO!"*

From there, it's not particularly difficult to make the leap to questioning the sanity of giving an eleven year old boy an invisibility cloak. Or allowing an old, gay man (Dumbledore, for all you who aren't literate in the lore of Harry Potter) to revel in the power of invisibility.** In Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone, Dumbledore literally pops up behind eleven year old Harry, while Harry is gazing longingly into the Mirror of Erised. The Mirror of Desire (Read 'erised' backwards; it'll make more sense.)

Harry then asks Dumbledore what he sees in the Mirror. Dumbledore answers, and affably, that he sees socks.

...

What the hell, old man?

Keep it to yourself.

Below is the first of many videos documenting a charming parody. Watch it; it's on youtube.com.





*Aufero, auffere, apstuli, ablatus; to remove, snatch off, steal, snatch away.
**I love Dumbledore. I am simply pointing out the...problems with certain scenarios.

A change in the rhythms.

Finals are coming up...what better way to study than through music? Linguistically, lyrical writers have evolved from the likes of Homer, Cicero, et cetera. A lesson in morphology: if most of the English language derived from Latin, is listening to music so different from burying your face in the textbook?

It's worth a thought.
-Minelor (Pennant showed me this song. Thought you all would enjoy it.)



Edit: (Pennant here.) In response to Minelor's thought, I would just like to briefly state that yes, listening to music is different from burying your face in the textbook. Its a hell of a lot better. So show me a text book as amazing as this song, and I'll never procrostinate again.

One word, four principal parts.

Playing charades in Latin class in order to study for a test presents with some difficulties, the first of which being that Latin is an ancient, ancient language. My friend and I were studying the other day, by acting out the vocabulary words in our textbook. That specific chapter had very few easily demonstrable words. Genus, generis, n., or origin, was particularly tricky. My friend mimed a baby, crawling around. "puella?" I guessed, incorrectly. Then she mimed the big bang, to which I gleefully said, "deleo, delere, delevi, deletum," to destroy. When I was at a loss, she pretended to be god, and flung her arms in the air as if to create life.

Another tough one was fluo, fluere, fluxi, fluxum, to flow. The only thing I could think of on the spot was menstruation, which I proceeded to demonstrate by falling to the ground in faux-pain, clutching my abdominal region.

When my male friend joined in the game, the first word he chose, "Ingens, Ingentis," meaning huge, caused him to point frantically towards his crotch. Parvus, a, um, or small, was my initial reaction, but I chose, logically, not to say anything.

I think the best, though, was hostis, hostis, hostium, or the enemy, which my friend, who has been known to make explosion noises followed by frantic "meows" on the phone when she's bored, gleefully interpreted with menacing facial expressions and a makeshift sword, proceeding to stab me in the heart.

You can basiate my pinus.

Latin is a dirty, dirty language. Even the (wonderful) teacher of the first class I ever entered couldn't stop giggling, just a little bit , at the Latin pronunciation practice of stressing the penult. Basically, if the penult was long by nature or position, you stressed it, if the penult was short, you didn't.

Which position? Personally, I think it would go for some heavy duty doggy.

It doesn't stop there. It almost never does. When the spotlight of enforced spontaneous translation flared towards me today, I almost couldnt keep myself from breaking down in equally spontaneous chuckles. Why? Goddamn it all to hell; because of this charming little sentence -- "Mea pinus succisa erat." Turns out that pinus doesn't mean...well...you know.

It actually means "Pine."

Brings a whole new meaning to the word "woody," don't it?

I decline the third declension.

No, seriously. Not like is i em e es um ibus es ibus. Like, no thanks. Try again later. That type of declining. I simply refuse to accept its existence. Therefore, it is none of my concern.

So today in class, when asked to translate a sentence and presented with a third declension noun, I did what I was taught to do--without any hesitation I declined it. "No thank you, noun," I said turning my nose up, "I only conjugate verbs."

"So conjugate me," said adiuti, but alas, I was in a fix there. So I decided I'd damn well decline a damn verb, and if you think that's impossible just try me, I'll go all idioms on your ass. Poenas dare or something.

Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.